Friday 29 March 2013

Guest Post: On "Supermarket Etiquette"

Guest post by Dave Quills 29.03.13
I read a blog post aloud to my partner about the rules one is supposed to be following to shop in a supermarket. Neither of us felt that Penny  Flanagan's list, intended to be humorous and resound with shopping Mums, achieved anything other than to make us annoyed at her supermarket intolerance! Dave thought he should give you his opinion on the situation, so here's my first guest poster - Dave Quills!

Re: Supermarket Etiquette - 10 rules to follow

Why is it that to so many people think humour and anger are the same thing? I can only assume this is because they are so full of hate that they can only crack a smile at someone else's expense.

The article is by one Penny Flanagan, and it's all about how she wants YOU to shop when SHE's at the supermarket. I'm just going to dive right into tearing up her points.

1. "The supermarket is one way. You start at the fresh produce and finish at the toilet paper.  PLUS if we all follow the same path, each aisle should also only be one way."
Wow that's some nice logical thinking there. Penny seems to think that everybody buys at least one item from the end of each aisle, and that if you just want toilet paper you should go down every single aisle first, and then get trapped there. Newsflash lady: supermarkets are designed the way they are for the benefit of the store, not the consumers. Your fresh produce gets bruised under your tins, and to get straight to the milk you have to run the chocolate gauntlet.

2. "No Playschool-style commentary in the fresh produce area. This is not the time to teach your kids about every single vegetable known to mankind"
When and where exactly are we supposed to teach our children about food? Penny is a mother of three, and I can only assume her boys can't tell the difference between a capsicum and a carrot. Wait a minute...
"and loudly proclaim to everyone around you what you are cooking for din-dins that evening. We are all giving our children chicken nuggets for dinner and we don’t give a toss if your kid ‘looooves’ wok-flashed baby bok choy."
Lady, why are you in such a hurry? I cook because I can't afford convenient frozen food. If I'm talking to my kids I'm not expecting anyone else to listen, let alone peeking at what's in your trolley - which is apparently nothing at this stage.

3. "Old people: stop being old"
Penny clearly hasn't ever heard of respecting her elders. I'm sure she'll love being surrounded by people like her when she's waddling around as an old lady. Let's keep some perspective here: you're simply going to a store.

4. "Minimum speed of 5km an hour. Anyone going slower should get their groceries delivered."
Does she even know how fast that is? You wouldn't have time to stop - that's assuming she means on average and that you can stop. Everyone would have to get their groceries delivered, but that's mission accomplished for Penny I suppose. If she abhors going to the grocery store this much then maybe she should just do it.

5. "Self-scanning checkouts are for BASKETS only"
Nope. That's why they have ones that are wider than the others. Why would you even think that? The self-serve checkout is usually the fastest option regardless, especially in a crowded store. I guess that's why she wants you to wait in a different line to her.

6. "No inane small talk at the checkout. In particular do not ask me what I’m up to today. Sometimes the answer is, ‘not much,’ and I feel embarrassed about that. Also, once you open up that dialogue I will worry that you are going to comment on my groceries, which may also be embarrassing."
Oh WOW. You're embarrassed that you aren't doing much? They're at work! You think they're going to comment on your embarrassing groceries? You can't have ever actually engaged a clerk in conversation before. You are asking for them to be rude instead of polite, they're not going to do it. I go to the same store every week - they know me there, they're my neighbours. It doesn't hurt to be nice, although apparently being mean saves you a few seconds.

7. "Checkout ladies:  scan embarrassing items as quickly as possible. If they don’t have a barcode/ are not scanning, just toss them quickly behind you, pretend it never happened and move on."
I bet you're the kind of person that turns on the hand-dryer to pee, and gives dirty looks to anyone browsing the condoms.

8. "To the store manager: The checkout is a free library of magazines"
And that's a rule too is it? I thought you were talking to the customers.

9. "Grocery shopping is not a romantic couples activity"
Oh please, everything is a romantic couples activity. Angry and bitter is not the default state for a long-term relationship just because yours is.
"(You may involve your husband/boyfriend at the unloading and unpacking end, in the privacy of your own home.)"
Way to set women's lib back 40 years. What a chauvinist.

10. "People with FPOCD (Fresh Produce Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) move to the side please. If you are fussy about hand-picking your beans/apples/oranges etc., be aware that some people are happy to just toss a few in a bag and keep going."
Those people can't be eating much of that food, that's for sure. Almost everything in the supermarket is already going rotten, but you'd have to actually eat fresh food to realise that. You'll just have to come back after I've finished teaching my daughter how to tell if the fruit is ripe - or you know, say excuse me.

Honestly, why is this woman in such a hurry? I bet she's one of those idiots that jaywalk 10m from a pedestrian crossing. That's enough of her negativity. Happy loitering folks. Remember to park your trolley sideways across the aisle when you see Penny coming.


  1. Ha! This is hilarious! Honestly I don't understand how some people get writing published...

  2. That article was one of the worst and idiotic I've ever read, she sounds like a very sad woman. Love how you've replied to it! ;)