"Expert" Advice Debunked Again!

I came across some parenting articles via my Facebook feed after my third or fourth night-wakening, and decided to try to read something educational and interesting and give up on sleep. So here I am, blogging about it, because I think that it was interesting and educational enough to write about! Thanks to Evolutionary Parenting for sharing!


The article Educating the Experts - Lesson One: Crying by Tracy G. Cassels is written with the "Experts" as its reader's voice - written in second person, it accuses "you" of all the crimes of the "Experts", which can be a little confronting, but the information is great, so I kind of just get a shock whenever it refers to "All of you, whether you claim to be against crying-it-out or not, promote forms of leaving an infant to cry.  And all of you promote ways of “training” your baby not to cry."  But I digress...

I found it interesting to note that the more responsive a parent is when responding to the cries of their child, regardless how competent they were at reducing the crying at that point in time, the less their child will cry later on. I rejoice at this news! Most parents will rush to help their child, but then feel a little (or a LOT) incompetent, because they can't "fix" what's wrong with their child then and there. I think the news that just being there is helping might be pleasant news to parents who have had to comfort a lot of crying, but with little reward! After needs have been met, cuddling is the most effective way to reduce the severity and length of a crying episode - think of it as meeting the Cuddle need!


The article also makes a very important, scary point: a lot of these "expert" baby-guide books write with the not-so-subtle messages that your baby is a screaming, poo covered creature out to manipulate you. Ok - so they aren't that forward with this message, but the idea of hardening your heart against your child's cries for its own benefit is just plain wrong. Babies do not cry to manipulate us, just to let us know that everything is not ok. If we change our perspective on why the baby is crying (to get our attention to make things ok again, not to thwart our desires for time out, or keep us from getting any sleep) we can change the ways we respond, leading to happier babies, happier parents, and less guilt all around.

Sometimes you need five minutes to compose yourself before responding to your child's cries - that's ok, we're all human. Sometimes you might even tell yourself "that's it! I'm not going to go to her again!" (I know I'm guilty of saying this under stress, but I'm always there for her when I regain my composure, or my partner is). This is ok. We're fragile, imperfect beings, and that is ok too. Being a Superparent (in my view) means knowing how much you can take on, knowing when to back out, and knowing when you need to relax - not assuming that we can all carry on indefinitely with unrelenting stress levels, which is unhealthy and certainly unsuper.

I loved reading this article, and I hope you did too. Here are the links to the other "Educating the Experts" lessons, because I think the points made are valid, and will help you connect better with your kids, and stay away from the guilt-mongers and schedule-followers who will make your life miserable.

Bea xox


Educating the Experts - Lesson One: Crying by Tracy G. Cassels  

Lesson Two: Needs

Lesson Three: Touch

Lesson Four: Self-Soothing

Lesson Five: Schedules

Normal Family Time

This week has been a busy one. Loads of washing by the tonne, mowing lawns, washing ten thousand dishes. Just normal, I guess. Whatever that means. It's been nice to have a week full of normal problems - keeping Indigo amused while I get things done, rather than finding a new place to live. Although things could be better, it's nice for our worries to be under control.

I still feel like the world could come crashing down at any moment, though. I panicked that Indigo was sick a few nights ago, so took her to the doctor. Nothing was wrong at all, fortunately. She just had a bad night's teething. 

I feel pressure to fix things - what I plan to do, I have no idea. Something in my brain is just telling me to take control and do something. I need a job. I love being home to play with Indigo, but I feel my brain turning to mush. I used to have control in my life - now I have control over how often the house gets cleaned, but no control over how quickly it becomes messy! I'd love to have an aspect of my life that requires me to wash my hair, dress in clean clothes, talk to grown-ups. My emotional state has become childish from spending so much time with a very clingy, whingy Indy - working would be a chance to remind myself that I am, in fact, an adult.

I am hoping that being proactive will help me overcome this feeling. I don't know what else I can do, Indigo has booked out my schedule. I still find it hard to get things done while she naps, or find time to do the things I want to do, not just the things I think need to be done. Often what "needs" to be done is not urgent, but the chance to do my own thing is fleeting.

I think I should prepare a list of things to do, during down-time. I guess it'll be mostly craft and recycling projects, but I will share it to ensure I actually get something done! I plan to start on this list over Easter, since I'm not actually doing anything Easterly.

Things to make & do

+ Clean house - make it an exhibition of retro design, and a showcase for all our beautiful things!

+ Pick flowers for all our vases

+ Make clothes for Indigo out of my op shoppables. There are some things that look terrible on me, but will make adorable clothes for Indigo.

+ Make a throw rug and cushions for the uncomfortable lounge. Until we can find a better one, I might as well make this one pretty!

+ Make Indigo this beanie for winter (Here's a link to the pattern, if you have a ravelry account). And all the people whose kids I promised to make beanies for, including the beautiful Googy and adorable Squishy of Good Googs fame.

+ Bake banana bread. Because I want some.

+ Bunting for Indigo's first birthday celebrations (which will be combined with my 25th birthday, which is five days later, and our housewarming). I love bunting, so I want to make lots!

+ Take Trilby the Wonderhound to the dog beach

+ Weed and fertilise our garden to prepare it for planting! I'm looking forward to growing heirloom varieties this year, as I have found an awesome Australian website that has 99% heirloom seeds, and posts across Australia, where quarantine permits.

So, this is the plan. Now, to put it into action!  What are all of you up to over Easter?

Being Better Than Yourself, For Your Kids

I'm sure that I'm not the only parent who is trying to fix all their problems at once. It feels natural to want to be the best role model for your children that you can be, but naturally it is also extremely difficult.


I find that it's hard to avoid being frustrated when you're lacking sleep, juggling a crying baby with...anything (they don't exactly understand, or care, that you need to clean, or sleep, or eat). 


We moved from Sydney to Newcastle, about three hours' drive from where we used to live, because we found it difficult to find a rental property in Sydney where we could keep our dog, have a vegetable garden and a backyard for Indigo to play in that was slightly more affordable. At first it was isolating to move so far from friends (but a relief to get away from family - we've had quite a few dramas with our families, and other than a few individuals they have been particularly unhelpful since Indigo was born), but now we've made some new friends, and living in Newcastle is seeming like less of a punishment for not being able to afford to buy a house!


We'd really like to move back to Sydney and find somewhere in Katoomba or something, not too far from our family and friends, where we can grow veggies and keep chickens. It's a bit of a pipe dream, considering that we need to save money and get everything nice and stable so things will be good for Indigo, but it's a nice dream for sometime down the track, when we can afford to own our own mortgage.

I think I need to focus on the good things about here and now, because even though we're a bit isolated from old friends, we're making new friends too.  we have been fortunate enough to get to spend LOTS of family time together, Due to neither Dave or I being able to find work in the area  yet. Make sure when you move that you're not moving to a city with extremely high unemployment rates unless you're relocating for your job. I know I've taken time off to have a kid, which is apparently a big no-no, but I've never had problems finding work before, and it's getting ridiculous. I'm hoping that one day, I can make a living out of my writing, but until then, it'd be nice for us both to find something that gets me out of the house and gives Dave a chance to spend some one-on-one time with Indy.

Indigo at 2 months old in her rabbit hat. I can't believe she's grown so fast!

I'm also looking into going back to uni, and studying early childhood/primary teaching, mainly with the aim of understanding my own kid better. I want to know what makes little minds tick, so hopefully I can squeeze part-time study into my schedule somewhere. I'm sure all the stress and time I spend jamming productivity into small spaces of time now will pay off down the track, when I reap the benefits, but can gloss over how hard it was to get there.

I want to be a supermum, don't be hating!

Hi, I'm Beatrix, nice to meet you . 

Life is pretty awesome, but I want more.

Is there anything wrong with wanting to try to have it all?

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but now my daughter is almost ten months old, I'm looking for work because I want to earn some money to put us into a more secure financial situation. I'm trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy size 8 from a post-pregnancy size 18 (I'm a 10 - 12 now, so I'm getting there!). I'm hoping to resume studying part-time , because I want to be the best role model for her that I can be. I want to have fun with less “stuff” and more meaningful conversations and play. In short, I want it all.

Is it really not realistic to want your life to be the way you want it to be? Sure, no one's life is perfect, but let's be realistic – even if you have your ideal lifestyle, there will still be times when you feel stressed out by work, upset at not spending enough time with your baby/partner/family/friends, too busy, or too tired, but all of this comes with the parenting package. I am fortunate enough to have a supportive partner, who wants to be a stay-at-home dad, at least some of the time, which will allow me to do all the various things that I think are important to my personal health and well-being.

This is my partner, Dave. He makes music, a webcomic [under construction at the moment!], and is one of those amazing men who listens, cooks, and loves looking after our daughter.

Visualisation of what you want is a key tool to achieving the life you want. I know that the life I have planned for myself will leave me with little free time, but all my time will be filled with achieving my goals: Family, Work, Exercise, Mental Stimulation, Food, Creativity. These are my six pillars of happiness! All of these things will constantly be varying in their demands, and the aim is to keep them as balanced as possible. If I can manage this, there will be satisfaction coming from feelings of true self-worth. I like feeling like I am trying my hardest, and this is a quality I definitely want to pass on to Indigo, so I will lead by busy, positive example!


A full schedule stops me from being bored, which causes me to mooch. Mooching is a killer of passion, creativity, inspiration, conversation and energy. The less free time I have, the happier I am. This doesn't mean I don't relax, but I relax best when I plan for it! Dave, Indigo and I walk a few kilometres every day with our Basset Hound, Trilby. We take him to the beach and throw a ball around for him, and most of the time he finds kids and dogs to talk to and play with. We have a great time as a family, and it is incredibly inspiring and relaxing!

I don't think there is anything wrong with all of this. In fact, I'm sick of being told to cut myself slack. I thrive on pushing myself forward, so all these well-meaning articles I see telling people not to want to better themselves upsets me. Maybe the writer is suffering from burn-out, but there is a definite positive to being busy rather than having lots of time to relax, but not necessarily needing or wanting to do so. 


Maybe I'm a bit mad. 


What's wrong with wanting to be the best person you can be?