Wednesday 25 July 2012

Wonky and Rambling All Over the Shop

Things have been really busy, really stressful, and not particularly conducive to blogging. I have sat and attempted to write a few times, but nothing came out.

Then I shaved my head again (Trich relapse, goddammit motherfucking arse cock FUCK), cried a lot about losing the hair I worked so hard to grow, and now I'm starting again, again. For the umpteenth time. It's so fucking hard to keep trying when I keep failing, but on I go.

It's getting too cold to go around bald-headed, so have been wearing a lot of daggy beanies, and occasionally my Bettie Page-esque wig, which has received compliments even when people know it's a wig. That makes me feel a little uncomfortable...people think I look great even if I'm bald, but then the wig looks good too? I've got to stop over-thinking things, and worrying about what other people think. People do seem to think I'm a cancer patient though, and it makes me feel sick, which I guess I am in a way, but usually I can hide it, because it's "not that big a deal" (at least, not to anyone who HAS hair).

On a positive note, I weighed myself the other day, and I'm down to 68 kilos! I started at 94, so we're getting somewhere! I can look at myself and although I'm not a hundred percent happy with my reflection, I can see that I just need a bit of sun, a bit of exercise, some delicious healthy food and a decent night's sleep. This is a very good thing! I don't mind improving myself - I WANT to look perfect, but I'm not so unhappy with the way I look that I'm impatient to diet crazily, join a gym that I won't go to, or do much other than what I've been doing for the past year to get this far.

I'm hoping that the negative things will work themselves out in time. It just sucks that any stress in my life sends me into a relapse that takes MONTHS to recover from. I feel so fragile, and I hate it. I hate that I'm not strong and capable and all the things I try to be. I am working on building a support network of lovely, positive people, and hopefully just having less negativity around me will help me to feel less anxious in the long-term, rather than straight away.

All this work, and it feels like I get no play! I play with Indigo all day, but it's hard to find time to relax without simply falling asleep. It's hard when all my favourite, cheap things to do are homey, crafty things - Indy wants my full attention, and hates when she can see me, but I won't completely engage with her. It's very frustrating, so I haven't made any crafty things in months! Dave is allowed to do things, though. Princess Indigo decrees it. Maybe it's because Dave has always insisted on having a bit of time to himself - I think he's better at self-regulation than I am. I find it hard to know my limits, and am always mentally, physically or emotionally taking on more than I can bear. I need to take a few tips from Dave, I think. Or maybe just be a better listener.

This is a really wonky post that is rambling all over the shop. I think I'll stop here.